Well isn’t this a slap in the face? I was going to literally just write about this.
The entire reason I started my blog was an attempt to keep track of my journey to find myself again. As I started to commit to more and more people (my work, my husband and eventually my kid upon her arrival), I gave away more of myself until I have recently felt lost. I used to hike, play paintball.. I went on photography walks on a regular basis. I haven’t been on a proper hike in over two years. I haven’t played paintball in closer to 4-5 years. I recently went on a photography walk but only because I was on vacation.
I had come to the conclusion that I needed to, at the very least, get outside. So my plan was to go hiking, and I went so far as to buy my kid some hiking shoes so that she could come with me. They arrived last week. I was going to go this weekend. I definitely didn’t go. I cleaned.
On Thursday, my first off, I cleaned off my back patio. On Friday I cleaned my dining room and living room. On Saturday I woke up to a page from work telling me I would be needed for a shift, since I was on-call. They had two callouts. So I tried to rest and take it easy, knowing I was going to have to work 6PM-6AM and that it was the first of 6 shifts, back-to-back.
None of this was for myself. None of this will help my mental health in the long run. Next week, I get one day off and then I’m back to work for another 5 days. Why didn’t I choose myself? I should have. Even if only for a couple hours.
I feel accomplished for what I cleaned. I’m happy for how the house looks, but I know I will be paying for it by the end of this week. My career takes a lot. Traumatic phone calls. Verbal abuse. Fear for the safety of the people you’re working with. The good calls are great, but 6 days straight… Where you only get one good call every couple of days, IF that? It can feel crushing sometimes and is even worse when you’re sleep deprived.
So, in short, I don’t practice regular self care. I need to get out of the habit of forgetting myself. I need to make myself a priority at some point.
Ash Thoreau 
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