Ash Thoreau

My daughter and I had a rough night last night. We’ve hit a sleep regression. The first real regression she’s ever had.

She has always been an easy sleeper. She never needed us to stay in the room. She was always good at self soothing. It’s really been quite easy with few random night exceptions.

Suddenly, she is not wanting to go to bed. She comes up with reasons to stay up later. She always wants “one more” story. Up until last night, I was able to distract her with an odd toy. Something she hasn’t played with in awhile. Last night, the odd toy didn’t make a difference. She started pushing me back into the chair in her room. She finally settled with me sitting in the chair. Then we started sitting there. I, in the chair, staring at my phone. Her laying in her bed, playing with a toy pear. For 45 minutes we sat there. I was getting tired. Every time I would get up to leave, she would hop out of bed and block my path.

I should have just left, but a past trauma of my own kept telling me to stay and try to help her. Finally I decided to compromise. Maybe I could get her to sleep next to me in my room. At least I would be comfortable instead of sitting in the awkward chair in her room. She agreed, so we went to my room. She then laid there, playing with a wooden box and a Buzz Lightyear doll. I tried to get her to fall asleep, but anytime I took away either toy, she would start screaming. She was obviously exhausted. I even tried her old playlist on my phone from when she was a baby. It’s a collection of acoustic Disney songs. That only caused a wrestling match over my phone. I finally took it away, threw it in a drawer and somehow got the wooden box hidden from her. It was after midnight when she finally fell asleep with Buzz nearby.

Around 0200, I woke up. I felt her next to me. Still in a sleepy daze, I heard a thump and she started screaming. I was out of bed in an instant. She fell to the floor. I pulled her into my arms. That’s when I saw the blood. She had bit her lip. It was swollen and her teeth had blood on them. Deep guilt and fear coursed through me. I did my best to keep calm because I didn’t want to freak her out any further. After a cool washcloth and some love, she finally calmed down. Her lip had stopped bleeding almost as quickly as it had happened. Regardless, she wasn’t going back to sleep. Finally, around 0400, I took her back to her room and left her. I didn’t know what else to do. She screamed her head off as I walked out the door.

I went back downstairs and started crying. I was felt exhausted and broken. I tried so hard to help her and all I had done was get her hurt. After a very short meltdown, I gathered my bedding and started back up to her room, fully prepared to sleep on her floor. Right as I got to the door, the crying stopped. I checked her camera and she was asleep. I then trudged back downstairs and completely lost it.

My husband came downstairs to check on me and quickly became the receiving end of a barrage of sobs and self deprecating declarations. He let me get it all out then started telling that the fact that I was even upset about what happened disproved all of my statements about myself. It didn’t make me feel 100% better, but it at least calmed me down enough to get some sleep eventually.

When I woke up, it was 11:30. My daughter was still asleep, unsurprisingly. I felt like a human again at least. I got up and started getting ready for the day and she woke up at about 12:30. I had a good meal ready for her. When I went in her room, she immediately smiled, then winced. That was the only indication that her mouth was bothering her all day. She didn’t seem to notice it at all after that.

She didn’t nap, which was fine. Tonight she went to bed with only a little argument. She tried to tell me to go sit in the chair again, but I just left. Then I cried all over again while watching her through the camera.

I debated on wether or not I would post about this night from hell. I really don’t want to deal with any trolls and this has troll bait written all over it. In the end, I decided it would be more healing for me to write about it, and maybe it will help other Mom’s out there that are making their own mistakes.

When you become a parent, there are times you say, “I will never do that to my kid,” in reference to something you personally endured as a child. This was one of those moments for me. To my dismay, instead of what I went through, my kiddo stayed up half the night, only to end up with a fat, bitten lip. I always knew I would make mistakes as a parent. I’m human after all. I guess I just never considered that I could make the mistake as a result of trying to avoid the original screw-up made by my parents. It puts things in different perspective.

Hopefully I can forgive myself eventually. All I can do right now is never make that mistake again.